Writers Block

sunflower

Four years after joining the police service, I decided to utilize skills learned outside of the service and submitted an application form to the training department on Lambeth Borough.  Happily I was successful and on my first day, bounced into the training unit at Gypsy Hill police station.  It was a Monday, a couple of weeks before Christmas.  I was looking forward to regular hours and no night duty and the thought of teaching police officers terrified me but challenged me at the same time.

Used to being frantically busy in the training unit at St Thomas’ Hospital, my previous job before joining the police, I was keen as mustard and ready for action.  I expected people ferverently beavering over training plans, walking with clipboards and looking officious and phones ringing off the hook.

When I walked into the office, the sight was tremendous.  Six people of various ranks all sat with their feet on various desks with reading material in their hands.  Fair enough, but this was not a police manual or copies of the PACE codes of practice.  It was the Daily Mail and the Sun.

It felt like I’d walking into the CID in ‘Life on Mars’.

For the first couple of days I kept finding it hard to sit still.  I filed, I cleaned, I re-ordered until someone told me to bring a book in and I joined in the throng.  Training is normally hectic and hard work.  I’d joined them at a quiet time and it was a revelation.  I struggled to adapt to the new regime and felt much more at home when the next round of training kicked off the following January.

I was shocked to see that it’s been over eight weeks since my last post.  In effect, I’ve had writers block.  Well, when I say writers block, I mean a consistent discussion in my head about how much I want to withdraw from my old life while I cling onto the last vestiges of it.  What would I change and how much would be kept.  That discussion included this blog.

Now that the shop is finally closed and the longed for freedom is here, I want to use it responsibly.  To get well, discover new projects and revisit old ones.  To nurture passions that have been shelved for a long time and mostly to simplify life.  To become part observer of life again rather than feeling stuck in the middle of a vortex while many make comments and poke at the decisions I’ve made with a judgement stick.

I’ve found myself considering the time spent at Gypsy Hill just recently.  It feels the same right now as it did then.  I feel like I should be doing something, but I’m not exactly sure what.  I love having some freedom back but I’m not too good on the chilling front and rather than taking time to relax have been keeping myself rather busy.   And I still need to sort out what comes next.  I’ve tried not to force things and see what comes up, but to be honest, I’m still feeling pretty exhausted and dragging myself out of bed rather than springing out.  So, a little bit more time needed then.

But, it’s good to be back here.  I’ve missed it.

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About PT Nicky

I'm a girl in the world just trying to make 1% improvements everyday. I recently qualified as a Personal Trainer. I certainly don't fit the aesthetic of a PT and I wanted to demonstrate that ordinary people can achieve their hearts desire. Clean eating advocate with paleo leanings.
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4 Responses to Writers Block

  1. Lee the Pea says:

    Yay! So glad you’re back here too. I’ve missed your posts xxx

  2. Sandra Docwra says:

    It will get better Nicky. At first you feel lost, not having to be anywhere at any given time. After working for years all of a sudden you feel not needed and a bit worthless. Then you realise how lucky you are that you can spend time seeing family and friends and doing things that you enjoy doing for yourself. I completely understand the ‘what next’ scenario though. Winter is harder because of the weather but as soon as the spring arrives and the warm sunshine comes everything will look a lot brighter. Keep positive and go with it. You will see… Good luck x

  3. Amanda says:

    Always good to see a sunflower, they never fail to make me smile. I had been wondering if your new life meant leaving the blog behind, and I for one will be delighted if you decide it is something you want to do and find worthwhile, as always thought provoking and often make me smile too.

  4. zoeforman says:

    Welcome back to WordPress- looking forward to your next chapter.
    I’m entering a new chapter with the police too so I’ll see how it compares as a new team.
    Enjoy the freedom to choose how you spend your time and enjoy ‘me’ time for a while as you take stock and choose your direction
    Very profound ! If not have a few duvet days and enjoy the Christmas food and fun then hit the New Year with a bang 💥

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