I had my last session with Pete this morning before he leaves tomorrow for his annual two week holiday.

He weighed me prior to our work out session.  I had put on one lb.

I’ve always believed that weight is an arbitrary figure. But it is a useful tool to measure trends.  We discussed the reasons why it could have happened.  I had kept to the recommended food intake using the Paleo approach.  An errant slice of bread with dinner at friends the other evening probably wasn’t the cause.  We discussed a terrible run on Monday and matched it with an inability to sleep because I was too hot and added recent breast soreness and came to the conclusion it was probably because my period was due.  Weight fluctuations due to water retention at certain times of the month is prevalent in women he said.  I agreed.

So, we had a rational cause and a reason not to panic.

Notwithstanding, the air was slightly subdued but we had a session to complete, so we stepped outside and started the warm up.  The heavy feeling in my legs experienced on Monday was still very much evident.  The first ladder was a struggle.  Gasping to failure at a paltry 163bpm I requested a walk break to gather my head.  Then promptly burst into tears.  Peter was gentlemanly enough to ignore them.  I had a two minute walking to deal with it before we began the session again.

Various thoughts crowded my head.  I can’t breath if I’m crying; I’m gutted not to lose weight; I refuse to accept failure; there was a tangible reason for the weight gain; Alan lost three lbs this week eating the same foods; it’s not fair; no life isn’t fair, get over it; use disappointment to strengthen resolve; we’ve got a session to complete let’s focus.

Pretty much in that order.

We started the next set of ladders.  Gently Peter asked me to slow down and ease my legs in again.  The first two minutes passed and with determination I increased the pace going into the next.  Maintaining cadence to stabilise pace, the breathing got harder but with more resolve than I thought I had, I managed to get my heart rate 4bpm higher than previous sessions.  I nudged a little further through the lactate threshold (the purpose of the session).

I could have quit.  I confess, I considered asking Peter to sack the session and discuss food options instead.  But I didn’t.  Instead I focused on where I’m headed.  And if I may, I would like to share those reflections with you now.

In our meeting last week, Sue asked me what I had to do differently in comparison to thinner people.

I considered her question for a moment pondering on the effects the truth would have on me.  The list was quite a revelation. But it did get me thinking about what it will mean not to be fat.

I want to be able to sit down without considering so many things.  Will the chair support my weight?  Will I get in it and more importantly can I get OUT of it?  Often, it’s better to risk exclusion and not sit down at all.

I want to be able to wear a summer dress without my thighs rubbing.

I want to be able to show off my arms.

I want to be able to put my shoes on without getting out of breath.

I want to be able to get a post race sports massage without worrying about the bed collapsing.

I want to be able to shop away from the plus size racks.

I want to be respected for who I am and not judged by people who view me as weak or lazy.

I want to be visible.

The fact that I cried pleased me.  It showed me how much I want the above. And with resolve strengthened, I carried on with the rest of the session.


About PT Nicky

I'm a girl in the world just trying to make 1% improvements everyday. I recently qualified as a Personal Trainer. I certainly don't fit the aesthetic of a PT and I wanted to demonstrate that ordinary people can achieve their hearts desire. Clean eating advocate with paleo leanings.
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2 Responses to Visibility

  1. lcwaller says:

    Nicky, you are a gutsy lady, and you’re going to succeed. Your posts are disarming in their honesty, and show your head is in the right place to take on this challenge and see it through. I’m proud of you for not quitting and for writing this heartfelt piece xxx

  2. Pingback: Floating | The ponderings of a girl who tri's

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